I have started again, the slow path to self destruction. I noticed it within me a little while ago. I am not a happy person, though that may be what I want everyone to perceive. I am smart, sometimes I think I’m too smart. I can recognize things about the worlds around me that I don’t wanna see. I do anything to make it stop… drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, self-hate. I almost at this point don’t want it to stop. I have always said I will never kill myself, but now I’m not so sure. I could easily see myself O.D.ing on some sort of drug, just for the release it would give me.
I am so far away from hope that there isn’t much that will stop me. I don’t even know if I want success anymore. I want so badly to just stop. I wanna stop feeling. I feel that I feel everything.
As the weather changes outside, I keep thinking that I’m changing yet again in an environment I have no attachment too. I hate everything around me. I go through motions that mean nothing to me and I hate. I’m beginning to hate everything around me and as a result I’m beginning to hate myself.
I need to figure something out…I hate that.