I can’t sleep tonight and I know why, but I wish it was for other reasons than those that be. I will not try to be cryptic, but being that way feels right at the moment. I wish that I knew why this was happening, and maybe I do, yet feel too afraid to face it. I just don’t know what it is that people expect from me. Being only human I can’t promise you more than is humanly possible, but sometimes I wonder if that is not even enough for the situations that arise. I wish that sometimes i could come home an relax and just knowing that your body is there is enough for me. I wonder how much of a human i have to be in order for that to be enough for you. You say that you are relaxed and that you are just here and there, yet I cant help but feel that sometimes you think of me as more than just a shoulder more than just someone to call your own. You want me to be something that you can count on for every second of every minute of every hour for your own. You squeeze me so tight that sometimes I feel as though I might be strangled by your need of me. I wonder what it would be like if we were not so close and the very thought of it drives me insane, because the thought of not being with you drives me to a level of crazy that I cant seem to bear or is it face? I don’t know. This is a stream of consciences so that maybe I can get to bed tonight and be ready to face another day of pretend. I pretend so much that sometimes I forget that realize that my feelings aren’t necessarily my own. I am forced to do things that cause me to live in a nutshell of pretend. It’s a great defense, but that defense also becomes this fortress that I am forced to live within without being able to release myself and see the world outside, or even allow anyone in.
It can be a great disadvantage and I will work on that but its mine and what i need more than anything in this world is for you to actually push yourself out of your narcissistic world and look beyond that little pond you stare into to contemplate your very existence and look up into mine. ( this will be edited late, because I am tired and too emotional to let that go. Goodnight internet, and anyone who is reading and comprehending this convoluted stream of incessant thought.)